My friends, today we will discuss a special topic. One you are very familiar with. I hope that today you walk away with a smile instead of a fear of the future. If you do that then I have not accomplished my purpose for today.
Do you know about the terrible twos? What about the age of teenagers? These are the two milestone ages where I have heard parenting jokes the most. Everyone coming into Parenthood has their fears and their doubts. Everyone. We have talked about the importance of Marriage. Now we will talk about becoming and being Parents.
This is a time of your life where you do not need to fear. Yes it is a time of testing, and it is difficult. But there are wise words each passing day, it is so worth it. Each of you is a son or daughter of God. He loves you so much. We have Heavenly Parents who wish the best for us and want us to succeed. (See The Family A Proclamation to the World.) And just to mention quickly, what I like to do sometimes is to try to understand how the Lord feels when it comes to parenting. He has a lot of children. And he has a lot of different experiences. Whenever you are in doubt or don't know what to do, or need someone to talk to, you can always reach out to Heavenly Father, He will help you and grant you peace.
I once heard a story about a woman who had a brief conversation with her daughter. This woman talked about how her daughter was very anxious about meeting her child that was still in the womb at the time. The woman said to her daughter, "I know you want to meet your baby, but this is an exciting and wonderful time too, this is part of the journey." I believe those to be wise words.
Each stage that you are in with Parenthood is an exciting and wonderful time and each have something to teach us. With the coming of children, your marriage grows and is strengthened. There is an excitement when it comes to preparing for the arrival of your baby. Then the baby comes and from what I understand, a new adventure begins. Regardless of the number of children you have, you will experience each stage of their growth, and you will see the blessings in your life that will come.
Yes you will experience the toddler years, not the terrible twos, but the terrific ones. A great deal of how kids are when they are teenagers does come because of their growth, personal choices, likes and dislikes, but also because they have spent that time watching you. Teenagers seem like the hardest part of parenting. I for one put myself in this category. I do not know how I am going to be able to help my teenagers. It is a time when they are learning to become more independent, and start developing into the person they will become. But during this time even though it may not seem like it at times, is when they will need you the most. Please understand when problems come, it isn't supposed to be about focusing on their behavior, but on their needs. As we have discussed this week some of these needs are, but are not limited to: Contact and Belonging, Power, Withdrawal, and challenge. Each of these need to be met, but in the proper way. Michael Popkin the developer of Active Parenting talks about these needs. Each need there is an active approach and there is a mistaken approach. For example with challenge, the mistaken approach of the child would be to enter into undue avoidance, when the approach from you the parent should be to help your children have skill building abilities.
Here are a few more tips from this Active Parenting approach from Professor Popkin.
When it comes to their need of contact and belonging, the mistaken approach is under attention seeking. The parent approach should be to offer contact freely. When it comes to power the parent approach should be to teach your kids to contribute, but to also have what Professor Popkin calls Response-Ability, and this comes from making choices and knowing that they can't choose the consequences. I encourage you if you are interested to look more into the active parenting approach.
My friends, each milestone, each stage of the growth of children is a special one. Think about what you want to be able to accomplish as a parent. In the end we all hope to prepare them for the world they are going to enter, and when it is their time, to have their own family unit. It is not easy, but is so worth it.
It truly is an exciting and wonderful time.
Saturday, March 30, 2019
Saturday, March 23, 2019
No Greater Calling Part 1
Brothers and Sisters, my friends. Today I come to share with you a subject that I hope to express with a tender heart. A delicate subject, but an important one. My assignment is also to share with you insights from another source that I will get to shortly.
There are many things I would like to say, but I hope that the message is clear. Although the message is about one particular audience, I hope all our hearts and ears are open and can learn something about a particular calling, title, and responsibility. To paraphrase something we have heard before, there is no greater calling than Husband and Father and Wife and Mother. Today's emphasis will be on the particular calling, title, and responsibility of a "Father." There is much to say about Wives and Mothers, and we would be nothing without them, and I will share much about them in the future. But today I wish to focus specifically on Dads.
Before we move on I would like to illustrate some examples. We have many good depictions in films, music, stories about Fathers, but not as much anymore, and as time goes by the value of fathers is decreasing in all of these realms of entertainment. We are also seeing a decline on what good fathers should act like. Unfortunately, in traditional families not a lot of kids are growing up with a Dad.
I saw a poster once that said, "He has an M.B.A and a PhD, but more importantly he's a D.A.D." The message was simple and I hope it paints the picture of what I'm trying to make today. Young men in grade school, High school, and even in college, we are asked what we want to be when we "grow up." I hope the profession you choose is one you enjoy and will provide for your family. But may I encourage one thing, I hope your answer is also, "When I grow up I want to be a good husband to my wife, and a good dad for my kids." Or you can replace good with great, or even with best. There is nothing more important than this my young friends.
Men, my brethren, we have a sacred calling upon us and we cannot allow ourselves to lose sight of that. I know that some do not have a father in the home, and I mean no disrespect, and it is unfortunate. I know that there are many single mothers, and I know that it is hard and I know that many have been able to pull through the thick and thin and this is admirable. I don't seek to poke anyone in the face, all I am meaning with these words is that there is value in fatherhood, there is a need for a father in the home.
W. Bradford Wilcox a professor of Sociology at the University of Virginia wrote an article that is found on the website The Atlantic entitled "The Distinct, Positive Impact of a Good Dad". He introduces his article by stating that many scholars and celebrities are saying that there is no need for a Dad in the home. But he argues several ways that Dad's make "distinct contributions" in the lives of their children. (See article paragraph four.)
He cites these:
The Power of Play. Here Wilcox discusses that fathers play differently with their children and how it is different to how the mother plays, and how their behavior turns out from this kind of play.
Encouraging Risk. Wilcox says, Fathers "in their approach to child-bearing, are more likely to encourage their children to take risks, embrace challenges, be independent, whereas mothers are more likely to focus on their children's safety and emotional well being."
Wilcox also describes how fathers protect their families. He identifies that even though mothers also have protective instincts, fathers who are "engaged in their children's lives can better monitor their children's comings and goings, as well as the peers and adults in their lives, compared to disengaged or absent fathers." He also mentions that fathers "appear to be more successful in keeping predators and bad peer influences away from their sons and daughters."
Later Wilcox talks about how boys are less likely to participate in delinquent behavior if they have a good relationship with their father. He says that if daughters have at least an "average" relationship with their dads, they are also less likely to be pregnant when they are teenagers.
I encourage you to look and see what you can find in his article to shed more light on this subject.
This subject is not even fully explored. There are many different ways we can see the importance of having a father in the home. I hope that I have done a good job sharing just a small part of it, and that what I have shared as my personal opinion can be of some use.
We need good Dad's. We need great Dad's, we need the best Dad's. We are not perfect, but we can make such a difference in the lives of our families. Even Christ went to His Dad for guidance, direction, and safety. Heavenly Father is the prime example of a loving, caring, and engaged father.
There is no greater calling than a Husband and Father and a Wife and Mother.
There are many things I would like to say, but I hope that the message is clear. Although the message is about one particular audience, I hope all our hearts and ears are open and can learn something about a particular calling, title, and responsibility. To paraphrase something we have heard before, there is no greater calling than Husband and Father and Wife and Mother. Today's emphasis will be on the particular calling, title, and responsibility of a "Father." There is much to say about Wives and Mothers, and we would be nothing without them, and I will share much about them in the future. But today I wish to focus specifically on Dads.
Before we move on I would like to illustrate some examples. We have many good depictions in films, music, stories about Fathers, but not as much anymore, and as time goes by the value of fathers is decreasing in all of these realms of entertainment. We are also seeing a decline on what good fathers should act like. Unfortunately, in traditional families not a lot of kids are growing up with a Dad.
I saw a poster once that said, "He has an M.B.A and a PhD, but more importantly he's a D.A.D." The message was simple and I hope it paints the picture of what I'm trying to make today. Young men in grade school, High school, and even in college, we are asked what we want to be when we "grow up." I hope the profession you choose is one you enjoy and will provide for your family. But may I encourage one thing, I hope your answer is also, "When I grow up I want to be a good husband to my wife, and a good dad for my kids." Or you can replace good with great, or even with best. There is nothing more important than this my young friends.
Men, my brethren, we have a sacred calling upon us and we cannot allow ourselves to lose sight of that. I know that some do not have a father in the home, and I mean no disrespect, and it is unfortunate. I know that there are many single mothers, and I know that it is hard and I know that many have been able to pull through the thick and thin and this is admirable. I don't seek to poke anyone in the face, all I am meaning with these words is that there is value in fatherhood, there is a need for a father in the home.
W. Bradford Wilcox a professor of Sociology at the University of Virginia wrote an article that is found on the website The Atlantic entitled "The Distinct, Positive Impact of a Good Dad". He introduces his article by stating that many scholars and celebrities are saying that there is no need for a Dad in the home. But he argues several ways that Dad's make "distinct contributions" in the lives of their children. (See article paragraph four.)
He cites these:
The Power of Play. Here Wilcox discusses that fathers play differently with their children and how it is different to how the mother plays, and how their behavior turns out from this kind of play.
Encouraging Risk. Wilcox says, Fathers "in their approach to child-bearing, are more likely to encourage their children to take risks, embrace challenges, be independent, whereas mothers are more likely to focus on their children's safety and emotional well being."
Wilcox also describes how fathers protect their families. He identifies that even though mothers also have protective instincts, fathers who are "engaged in their children's lives can better monitor their children's comings and goings, as well as the peers and adults in their lives, compared to disengaged or absent fathers." He also mentions that fathers "appear to be more successful in keeping predators and bad peer influences away from their sons and daughters."
Later Wilcox talks about how boys are less likely to participate in delinquent behavior if they have a good relationship with their father. He says that if daughters have at least an "average" relationship with their dads, they are also less likely to be pregnant when they are teenagers.
I encourage you to look and see what you can find in his article to shed more light on this subject.
This subject is not even fully explored. There are many different ways we can see the importance of having a father in the home. I hope that I have done a good job sharing just a small part of it, and that what I have shared as my personal opinion can be of some use.
We need good Dad's. We need great Dad's, we need the best Dad's. We are not perfect, but we can make such a difference in the lives of our families. Even Christ went to His Dad for guidance, direction, and safety. Heavenly Father is the prime example of a loving, caring, and engaged father.
There is no greater calling than a Husband and Father and a Wife and Mother.
Saturday, March 16, 2019
The Importance of Council in our Marriages and Families
I once conducted a survey among extended family members and relatives about what they feel is the most important aspect of marriage was for them. The list ranged from kindness, trust, love, and many other traits. But the consensus came down to, communication.The most essential and needed skill for the flourishing and strengthening of marriage was communication. Communication was (and is) the key to a successful marriage. There is a great need for effective, loving, binding communication, within in marriage and in the family.
Communication is not much about talking but more about listening intently with our ears and with our hearts. Our conversations are to be genuine and full of sincerity. Our hearts are to be filled with love and not hostility. We with respect are to share our thoughts and feelings, and come to an understanding. There is no need for violent or vile tongues, for anger and contention will not get you anywhere. When there are disagreements in our marriages we need to remember that we are not perfect, we have our tempers and our different minds and perspectives. But the task is to become one, united, and reaching unanimous decisions together. This is a process and a huge part of a growing marriage. You and your spouse are two people learning to be on the same page, and learning to become one. Free from anger, and having an increase in love in all that you do and say.
A lot of the times, if not most of the times we need learn to take a step back and learn to council with one another instead of counsel one another. Now there is a difference believe it or not in those words. They can be used together which will be something to keep in mind with our topic today of the importance of council in our marriages and in our families. Communication is an essential part of those councils.
To make it as simple as possible, council deals more with whom we are meeting with and where advice will be given. Counsel more than anything is the advice being given. Council is more about working as a group, while counsel is personal direction. In a council our conversation is edifying and meant for both groups to deliberate and counsel together. I view council much more as working as a team. For example did you know that you can council with Lord. That doesn't mean that you are going to tell Him what to do. But working together you will be able to find the direction you need to be going. In these forms of dialogue it is about coming to a unanimous consensus instead of compromise.
As we have talked about before it is essential to continue to have regular meetings together as a marriage to discuss the four pillars. But it is also essential to have regular councils held with your spouse and with your family. These are different meetings (including the regular four pillars evaluation), and have their distinct purposes.
There are many types of councils that are found in your own home, but I will briefly go over three of them. I entitle them as first, a family council which is a council where the immediate family is involved, second a Marriage Council, which only involves the husband and wife, and thirdly a council which consists of parents with one child at a time, which can extend to one on one with one parent and one child. I will be quoting from President Ballard's talk in the April 2016 General Conference entitled "Family Councils". (If you would like more information you can look more into what he has to say in his talk entitled "Family Councils").
These councils are more formal than any other meeting. They are to be planned at a designated time. These councils as President Ballard teaches and invites in his talk, "should start with prayer, or it may simply be a natural extension of conversations already started in other things." I would invite that all these councils should start and end with a prayer, especially the marriage council. With prayer we are inviting the Lord to guide us and instruct us as we come to decision, or discussing plans and topics together.
In a Family Council, the parents lead together. It is a discussion and the topics may vary. Family council can be a time to plan for activities in the future and receive input from family members. Family Council could be a time where the environment is to announce some news so that the entire family is aware of what is going on and how the family will pull forward from there. This can mean that the parents have already come to a decision, or this can mean that the family will come to some decisions together.
In the marriage council, the four pillars can be discussed and evaluated. It is also a time the couple can discuss and go over their personal relationship, the needs of their children, and other topics that are to be discussed within the marriage. All of these councils are to be treated in a sacred matter, but it is highly sacred in the council between husband and wife. These councils are separate from dates, and they are separate from the to do list conversations, and discussions on financial matters (even though that is a very important conversation. In a council this subject can be discussed.)
Lastly the council between parents and a child, or one on one, is a time to directly council with the individual involved. Topics will also vary here depending on the needs and discussions between parents and child, or one on one.
Please do not forget the importance of communication in these councils. Later we will deeply explore the aspects of these councils, but for today the key is to apply the principles of communication as we have discussed them in our councils.
Communication is not much about talking but more about listening intently with our ears and with our hearts. Our conversations are to be genuine and full of sincerity. Our hearts are to be filled with love and not hostility. We with respect are to share our thoughts and feelings, and come to an understanding. There is no need for violent or vile tongues, for anger and contention will not get you anywhere. When there are disagreements in our marriages we need to remember that we are not perfect, we have our tempers and our different minds and perspectives. But the task is to become one, united, and reaching unanimous decisions together. This is a process and a huge part of a growing marriage. You and your spouse are two people learning to be on the same page, and learning to become one. Free from anger, and having an increase in love in all that you do and say.
A lot of the times, if not most of the times we need learn to take a step back and learn to council with one another instead of counsel one another. Now there is a difference believe it or not in those words. They can be used together which will be something to keep in mind with our topic today of the importance of council in our marriages and in our families. Communication is an essential part of those councils.
To make it as simple as possible, council deals more with whom we are meeting with and where advice will be given. Counsel more than anything is the advice being given. Council is more about working as a group, while counsel is personal direction. In a council our conversation is edifying and meant for both groups to deliberate and counsel together. I view council much more as working as a team. For example did you know that you can council with Lord. That doesn't mean that you are going to tell Him what to do. But working together you will be able to find the direction you need to be going. In these forms of dialogue it is about coming to a unanimous consensus instead of compromise.
As we have talked about before it is essential to continue to have regular meetings together as a marriage to discuss the four pillars. But it is also essential to have regular councils held with your spouse and with your family. These are different meetings (including the regular four pillars evaluation), and have their distinct purposes.
There are many types of councils that are found in your own home, but I will briefly go over three of them. I entitle them as first, a family council which is a council where the immediate family is involved, second a Marriage Council, which only involves the husband and wife, and thirdly a council which consists of parents with one child at a time, which can extend to one on one with one parent and one child. I will be quoting from President Ballard's talk in the April 2016 General Conference entitled "Family Councils". (If you would like more information you can look more into what he has to say in his talk entitled "Family Councils").
These councils are more formal than any other meeting. They are to be planned at a designated time. These councils as President Ballard teaches and invites in his talk, "should start with prayer, or it may simply be a natural extension of conversations already started in other things." I would invite that all these councils should start and end with a prayer, especially the marriage council. With prayer we are inviting the Lord to guide us and instruct us as we come to decision, or discussing plans and topics together.
In a Family Council, the parents lead together. It is a discussion and the topics may vary. Family council can be a time to plan for activities in the future and receive input from family members. Family Council could be a time where the environment is to announce some news so that the entire family is aware of what is going on and how the family will pull forward from there. This can mean that the parents have already come to a decision, or this can mean that the family will come to some decisions together.
In the marriage council, the four pillars can be discussed and evaluated. It is also a time the couple can discuss and go over their personal relationship, the needs of their children, and other topics that are to be discussed within the marriage. All of these councils are to be treated in a sacred matter, but it is highly sacred in the council between husband and wife. These councils are separate from dates, and they are separate from the to do list conversations, and discussions on financial matters (even though that is a very important conversation. In a council this subject can be discussed.)
Lastly the council between parents and a child, or one on one, is a time to directly council with the individual involved. Topics will also vary here depending on the needs and discussions between parents and child, or one on one.
Please do not forget the importance of communication in these councils. Later we will deeply explore the aspects of these councils, but for today the key is to apply the principles of communication as we have discussed them in our councils.
Saturday, March 9, 2019
Overcoming our Challenges
Over a year ago I heard a story from a young man, that was quite amusing. At the time this young man was dating a young woman. This young woman was at the time of the month were she was having her period, which was quite painful for her. He went to visit her during this time, and tried different ways to cheer her up. She was in a lot of pain and wasn't really happy or in the mood to be cheered up. At least not in the ways he tried. With the pain going up and down like a roller coaster, this young man had no idea what to do or what to say. Young men, please pay attention to the following words that this young man told this young woman. He said, "You know, it's all in your head. Pain is just in the mind. So, take a deep breath, and remember that this pain is just in your head." This young man after looking at this young woman's expression, realized that was not the best thing to say. Young men, do not say that to young women. If you wonder why, just go ask your mother, sister, aunt, or cousin.
Now, even though this story makes an excellent point on what not to say to a young woman, it does bring up an excellent point when it comes to overcoming our challenges. Now the phrases, "its all in your head," "pain is just in the mind," are things to consider with the subject we will briefly go over today. One of my instructor's introduced us to what is called the ABCX model developed by Reuben Hill. My instructor summarized this model, and that is how we are going to approach it today. This model is to describe what happens when something happens to our families, when it comes to stress and crisis.
A means the actual event.
B means both the resources and the responses.
C means our cognition's.
Which when you add all of this up you get,
X, the experience itself.
Now I don't wish to confuse you. All this model wishes to portray is how a family responded to an event that caused stress or a crisis. These experiences vary, from something expected to something unexpected. Something that takes a short amount of time, or affects the long-term. This can be something that is fairly easy to handle, or an experience of how hard it is to lose a loved-one. All our families experience stress and crisis. This is unavoidable, and a part of our lives. It is also very hard to talk about. But we have been given power from a Father in Heaven who loves us, to be able to get through all of these situations.
Let's talk about step B for a second. When something happens we have some resources available to us. These resources are but not limited to:
Church (Church doctrine or our Ward family and leaders.)
Money, family, food, first aid, education. leisure, humor, and medical. (They aren't meant to be in any particular order.) These are the things that we have that depending on how we use them or not use them at all, will affect our experience to an event that occurs in the long run.
This is where step C, makes its debut. C is our cognition, in an essence how we perceive things. We have a brain, another complex and outstanding gift given to us by Heavenly Father. Understanding how the brain works, is only the tip of the iceberg of this gift Heavenly Father has given us. (At a different time we will go over section 93 of the Doctrine and Covenants to get a deeper picture about how God sees things. )
But moving forward, this takes us back to the beginning with the phrase, "it's all in your head," and "pain is in the mind." If I may, I don't use these phrases to define the explanation to step C, but to illustrate it. Depending on how we perceive things, how we perceive the event, how we use our resources, and how we think about the situation we are in, will greatly affect our experience. Entertain this suggestion, when we fill our minds with positive things, we react in such a way that "lights" start to come on, and we have a better attitude when it comes to things. We are happier, and we see more. But when we allow doubt, and negative things to plague these positive and uplifting thoughts, we tend to be more sad, and we sink away from that light we had. I think this model gives us an inside feature of not only how to approach family stress and crisis, but also on how we can handle our personal struggles and wise pursuits in life.
In conclusion my friends remember, we are not alone in this life. Our Father in Heaven does love you, He really is there, and with Him, we can do anything. Life will bring it's up's and downs just like a roller coaster, but when we have Faith in God we can do all things. How we use our resources, and how we respond with our perceptions will also have a great affect on how we overcome stress and crisis. As we consider this model, and have Heavenly Father involved in our lives, we will push through. It all depends on how we approach these events that occur in our lives.
Now, even though this story makes an excellent point on what not to say to a young woman, it does bring up an excellent point when it comes to overcoming our challenges. Now the phrases, "its all in your head," "pain is just in the mind," are things to consider with the subject we will briefly go over today. One of my instructor's introduced us to what is called the ABCX model developed by Reuben Hill. My instructor summarized this model, and that is how we are going to approach it today. This model is to describe what happens when something happens to our families, when it comes to stress and crisis.
A means the actual event.
B means both the resources and the responses.
C means our cognition's.
Which when you add all of this up you get,
X, the experience itself.
Now I don't wish to confuse you. All this model wishes to portray is how a family responded to an event that caused stress or a crisis. These experiences vary, from something expected to something unexpected. Something that takes a short amount of time, or affects the long-term. This can be something that is fairly easy to handle, or an experience of how hard it is to lose a loved-one. All our families experience stress and crisis. This is unavoidable, and a part of our lives. It is also very hard to talk about. But we have been given power from a Father in Heaven who loves us, to be able to get through all of these situations.
Let's talk about step B for a second. When something happens we have some resources available to us. These resources are but not limited to:
Church (Church doctrine or our Ward family and leaders.)
Money, family, food, first aid, education. leisure, humor, and medical. (They aren't meant to be in any particular order.) These are the things that we have that depending on how we use them or not use them at all, will affect our experience to an event that occurs in the long run.
This is where step C, makes its debut. C is our cognition, in an essence how we perceive things. We have a brain, another complex and outstanding gift given to us by Heavenly Father. Understanding how the brain works, is only the tip of the iceberg of this gift Heavenly Father has given us. (At a different time we will go over section 93 of the Doctrine and Covenants to get a deeper picture about how God sees things. )
But moving forward, this takes us back to the beginning with the phrase, "it's all in your head," and "pain is in the mind." If I may, I don't use these phrases to define the explanation to step C, but to illustrate it. Depending on how we perceive things, how we perceive the event, how we use our resources, and how we think about the situation we are in, will greatly affect our experience. Entertain this suggestion, when we fill our minds with positive things, we react in such a way that "lights" start to come on, and we have a better attitude when it comes to things. We are happier, and we see more. But when we allow doubt, and negative things to plague these positive and uplifting thoughts, we tend to be more sad, and we sink away from that light we had. I think this model gives us an inside feature of not only how to approach family stress and crisis, but also on how we can handle our personal struggles and wise pursuits in life.
In conclusion my friends remember, we are not alone in this life. Our Father in Heaven does love you, He really is there, and with Him, we can do anything. Life will bring it's up's and downs just like a roller coaster, but when we have Faith in God we can do all things. How we use our resources, and how we respond with our perceptions will also have a great affect on how we overcome stress and crisis. As we consider this model, and have Heavenly Father involved in our lives, we will push through. It all depends on how we approach these events that occur in our lives.
Saturday, March 2, 2019
Of Most Importance Part 2: A Few Remarks on Intimacy and Fidelity
My young friends, we meet again continuing on from our last subject. First I will express some suggestions on how to prepare for marital intimacy. And second I will discuss some thoughts on intimacy and fidelity. Overall I wish to focus on the positives of this subject. I also hope that this will help you have positive expressions, renewed understanding, and joy when it comes to the sacredness of Intimacy in Marriage and complete fidelity.
At another time we will discuss Married Life and Family Life. Today we will focus on a specific part of Married life. There are many forms of intimacy in marriage, but today we will mainly focus on sexual intimacy. But I will only be using the term intimacy as we talk. This will be our road map: Preparing for Marital Intimacy, and Intimacy and Fidelity in Marriage.
At another time we will discuss Married Life and Family Life. Today we will focus on a specific part of Married life. There are many forms of intimacy in marriage, but today we will mainly focus on sexual intimacy. But I will only be using the term intimacy as we talk. This will be our road map: Preparing for Marital Intimacy, and Intimacy and Fidelity in Marriage.
Preparing for Marital Intimacy
The Lord has shared with us His standard on how we prepare for intimacy in marriage. It is by that standard that we should abide by. His standard does not mean that we participate in sexual relations before marriage to be prepared for that marriage. The Law of Chastity is the law that the Lord has set. Now I have heard, and I have seen that when this subject is brought up, we have developed a negative connotation attached to that law, and to intimacy in general. As we have mentioned before, the Laws, Commandments, and Rules that have been set by the Lord do not restrain or restrict us. They do in reality bring us happiness, joy, and freedom. We must be the examples for the future generations when it comes to this subject. We must prepare them accurately and appropriately when it comes to intimacy in marriage. For example as I grew up the word "sex" was seen as a bad word or something dirty. With this as our guide we think that is what intimacy is, bad or dirty. I understand that the opposite may occur, that some become curious about intimacy instead of "revolting it." If I may, I offer this suggestion; when we teach about intimacy that we say something like this, "Sex isn't bad. What is inappropriate is to participate in pre-marital sexual relations," Then explain why. Also consider when teaching about intimacy the age of whom we are teaching.
This background information is what happens when you are not taught about intimacy in a positive way. Your perspective of intimacy will not be accurate if based in this negative way. You will not be able to enjoy intimacy with your spouse with this mentality. One of the best ways to prepare for marital intimacy is changing your perspective on it, to reflect a positive outlook on it.
Another way to prepare for intimacy, is communicating openly and honestly in an appropriate way with your future spouse. The communication is not meant to be explicit or to produce natural thoughts and feelings, but to express individually and as a couple your understanding of what will occur intimately once you are married.
There are many other ways to prepare for intimacy in marriage, but I would like to offer one more suggestion before we move on. This suggestion is: help one another (you and your future spouse), to save the most intimate part of yourselves for when you are married. This is done by establishing that boundary and living by it as your life depended on it. This does not mean that you can't participate in appropriate forms of affection with one another, or feel guilty for wanting and showing affection for your significant other. This promise is an expression of your love and commitment to one another. Keeping the Eternal Perspective on your minds will help you keep each other clean.
Intimacy and Fidelity in Marriage
A few remarks on intimacy:
Once you are married, you are permitted to participate in sacred acts of intimacy. These sacred acts of intimacy are for you and your spouse only. Sexual Intimacy is a very important part of marriage but it is not the most important part, or what should drive the marriage. Intimacy is the highest of expressions of physical love. Take care of this part of yourselves, and nurture it. It is not supposed to be carnal in any nature, because intimacy comes from Heaven Above. You, your Spouse, and the Lord will dictate what is appropriate when it comes to these sacred acts between each other.
A few words on fidelity:
Fidelity means to be completely and utterly faithful, loyal, and committed to your spouse. You are completely faithful in every way, such as being faithful spiritually, emotionally, and physically. As many Latter-Day Prophets have taught, our focus, our minds, and our hearts, do not linger, entertain, or flirt with anyone but our spouse. Fidelity in Marriage is of most importance. When you are married you must protect your marriage from outside forces that can put your marriage in jeopardy. Marriages are not immune from these outside forces. But what marriages can do is fortify themselves so that infidelity does not creep in subtly or totally. Infidelity comes in many forms. There are detached forms of emotional and physical infidelity. An example of detached emotional infidelity is having inappropriate thoughts about anyone other than your spouse, whether someone you know, or someone from fantasy. And a detached form of physical infidelity is that of something visual, not something created in your mind but something visual that you see. Examples of attached forms of emotional and physical infidelity are starting a romantic relationship with someone other than your spouse or having a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse. My friends, unfortunately and sadly these things occur, and they should not.
Make commitments today with the Lord to help you fortify yourselves to not fall into these traps. And if you are married, not only make commitments with Lord to fortify yourselves, but also to your spouse to help fortify your marriage so that infidelity does not occur. It is important to talk about these things with your spouse. You will create boundaries together, and understand each other and prevent these catastrophes.
Be faithful and true to one another always, and you will find strength from on High to keep your promises to each other.
Saturday, February 23, 2019
Of Most Importance
Often as we get older these are some of the phrases we hear when it comes to getting married:
It is the most important decision of your life.
It is the most important day of your life.
It is the most important part of your life.
All these statements are true.
There is no denying the fact that the decision of who you will marry will define and direct the course of your life and for eternity more than any other decision that you will make.
The day that you enter the Temple and are sealed for Time and For All Eternity as President Packer put it is the most important day in your life, (see "Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple," page 15.) because it is the day that you got married, it is the day you started your own Eternal Family Unit.
Marriage becomes the most important part of your life. After God, your number one priority is your spouse.
At first glance, these phrases on what is expected about marriage can be daunting and overwhelming, but I promise you it is all worth it. I hope that this will be a short message of hope. I hope this message brings some understanding to why this great step in your life is of most importance and not to be taken lightly. I hope that as I talk about these things you will remember our conversation on the four pillars and how they are highly essential for your marriage.
Consider also as we talk, the analogy of a sure foundation to a marriage. When I was in the MTC one of my instructors used this example in relation to the family. He asked all of us about what our dream home would look like. Many of the missionaries talked about the interior of the house, myself included. Then there was one missionary who said, "I can't build anything in or outside of my house without having a secure foundation first." The dynamic changed in that class.To build a strong and beautiful home, there has to be a strong foundation. If your foundation isn't strong it (your home, marriage, family) won't survive.
It is the most important decision of your life.
It is the most important day of your life.
It is the most important part of your life.
All these statements are true.
There is no denying the fact that the decision of who you will marry will define and direct the course of your life and for eternity more than any other decision that you will make.
The day that you enter the Temple and are sealed for Time and For All Eternity as President Packer put it is the most important day in your life, (see "Preparing to Enter the Holy Temple," page 15.) because it is the day that you got married, it is the day you started your own Eternal Family Unit.
Marriage becomes the most important part of your life. After God, your number one priority is your spouse.
At first glance, these phrases on what is expected about marriage can be daunting and overwhelming, but I promise you it is all worth it. I hope that this will be a short message of hope. I hope this message brings some understanding to why this great step in your life is of most importance and not to be taken lightly. I hope that as I talk about these things you will remember our conversation on the four pillars and how they are highly essential for your marriage.
Consider also as we talk, the analogy of a sure foundation to a marriage. When I was in the MTC one of my instructors used this example in relation to the family. He asked all of us about what our dream home would look like. Many of the missionaries talked about the interior of the house, myself included. Then there was one missionary who said, "I can't build anything in or outside of my house without having a secure foundation first." The dynamic changed in that class.To build a strong and beautiful home, there has to be a strong foundation. If your foundation isn't strong it (your home, marriage, family) won't survive.
The Most Important of Decisions
President M. Russell Ballard said, "If you marry the right person, at the right time, and in the right place you need not fear." (M. Russell Ballard, "The Greatest Generation of Young Adults." April 2015 General Conference.) When you think about what that means my young friends you get a closer look into the eternal perspective. These keys to getting married are assurances about your ultimate decision. The right person, at the right time, and in the right place. The right person you will find through sincere preparation. The right time will be dictated by the Lord. And the right place without a doubt is His Holy House.
My friends, I know that this decision weighs heavily on your souls, but with all the power of my soul I testify that with the Lord on your side and as you seek righteously and do your part, you will find that person that you will build eternity with. There is no greater decision other than choosing Christ, that will help your reach Eternity with the Most High. One of my mission presidents said to me, "The engagement should not be a surprise to either of you, this is to be discussed between you and your potential spouse. What should be a surprise is how you propose." I believe that, and I would invite you to just take what you may from that counsel. This decision to be married is to be taken care of prayerfully and seriously. As you find each other, get to know one another, learn from one another, and make the necessary preparations to commit to one another and be loyal to one another, basic foundations will be practiced and nurtured as you head into marriage. Some of these foundations are learning to make decisions together, learning to plan together, and learning to problem solve together. These few examples are of your first transitions into marriage, and practices that will continue after your are married.
I would encourage you to consider these examples as you plan for your wedding, (specifically for your sealing), and as you plan for marriage. Understand that yes your families are important and they can help you make the necessary preparations for your wedding, but this is your wedding, you are responsible to take charge. This should be your vision and executed with help from your respective family members. You are building a bond between you and your future spouse, this should not be hindered by anyone else.
The Most Important Day of Your Life
Because of the sacredness of the Temple we do not speak of the sacred covenants and sacred ceremonies performed therein. I encourage you to study the scriptures and discourses from living Prophets and Apostles on the subject. Preparation for this sacred occasion should be your primary concern, not your reception. At the reception it is an opportunity to spend time with families and well-wishers. It is to be a fun time, and a memorable time in your life, but is should not be your primary focus. The most important part of that day is when you two become an Eternal Family Unit. This sacred occasion is beyond anything you can ever dream of. The reason this becomes the most important day of your life, it is because it is the day you and your spouse have covenanted to shape and build eternity together. It is the most important day because you come together, and from then on it is about the two of of you becoming one. It isn't about the one or the other. Together you will face life's struggles and trials. Together you will shape the future. Together you will partake of the blessings and joys that come only through the bonds of marriage the Lord has established. Together you will become one. Together you will raise a family. Together is how you will make it to your Eternal Home. This is the day you come together, to become one. Remember also, that this is accomplished with the Lord, and a successful marriage is accomplished with the Lord. It is not easy, but it is worth it. It is wonderful.
It is The Most Important Part of Your Life
The Wedding is the sacred event that begins your marriage. Marriage is the great school of Eternity, for it prepares you for Eternity ahead. In marriage there will be adjustments as significant of how to organize your home, your bathroom, and to have a clean house. Great adjustments such as having and raising children will come to your life. A spouse's job and work will be part of an adjustment. Finances become an important adjustment. This is an important one become it no longer becomes "your money" or "my money", it becomes "our money." How to create boundaries with your families and friends becomes a major adjustment. Mutual decision making also becomes part of your marriage adjustments.
Do you remember the counsel from President Ballard, "If you marry the right person, at the right time, and in the right place you need not fear"? You need not fear your life together. With the Lord, everything will work out as long as we listen to Him and do our part.
I wish to share more with you, and go deeper into these subjects. I hope that as you have pondered these words, that the Spirit has taught you, and some clarity has come to your hearts. I know that Marriage is the most important part of life. It is a time of growing and learning to become like our Heavenly Father. It is of most importance and of most worth. Remember this wisdom, "Choose your love; love your choice." (Thomas S. Monson, "Priesthood Power". April 2011 General Conference). And to that person be absolutely faithful and loyal.
Saturday, February 16, 2019
Preparing for Marriage includes God, it does not exclude Him
My Friends, I will admit that this is the subject that has been the hardest to write to you. Not because of the content, but because of the tumults of opinions that come from talking about Preparing for Marriage. Everyone will have their own opinions, and I want you to be aware of that. I will also admit and acknowledge that there are some opinions that are more precise and accurate when it comes to preparing for marriage. I will encourage you that if you are in that position where you are not ready to admit that there are some opinions that are more precise and accurate, I would invite you to put yourselves in a place where you can do that. Now I am not saying that those opinions should out weigh what you feel, but I am saying that you take the good from those opinions and apply them to your own. Of course always follow what God says, and know that it is from God. That being said, you will come to know in a summary, my opinion on this sacred matter. Preparing for an Eternal Marriage and Building and Eternal Marriage are two very important and passionate subjects of mine, and as I have said people have their own way of looking about this, I will share with you in summary what is my way of looking at this.
Some basic terms to look at. When I was in High-School the term dating had a new meaning. People concluded that it meant that two people, were now together, in an official or unofficial relationship. Now I can understand to a slight degree why this term could be used in that way, but I have learned that this isn't what it means. Dating means that you go participate in a wide variety of activities with a wide variety of people. In English: There is no such thing in the true definition of dating that deals with exclusivity. (We'll come back to that in a moment.)
But before that I want to be very clear about something. Today Marriage, the word or title is looked at as the end of a book. Marriage is not the end of anything, it is actually the beginning. Yes there are precursors to getting Married, but being married isn't the end of the fairy tale, or the end goal. To put it into perspective, this is the map with some detail of following the path into marriage.
Dating: A wide variety of activities with a wide variety of people.
Courtship: When two people make a decision to get to know one another which leads to being exclusive.
Engagement: When two people have decided to a commitment of getting Married.
And of course this ladder ends with getting Married. But marriage is not the end or the "happily ever after." Marriage is the beginning, and where you build your happily ever after for Eternity. Marriage is between a man and a woman who make sacred covenants and are married For Time and For All Eternity. (More on what marriage is will be talked about latter in a different discussion.)
This is the way which it has been presented to me, I do not disagree with it. I do want to say however that I am astonished that people try to think of this as a slide where they are trying to skip steps, or skip straight to marriage. My Friends, we do not skip steps just so we can get married.
If I may, I would like to show you how I see this map, and a few things about being exclusive.
Dating: This step in my mind does not change. It is a perfect opportunity to meet new people, and participate in activities with those whom you meet and learn about yourself, and learn about what you are attracted to in others. Now I will not tell you how many people you need to date in order to begin pursuing a relationship in the direction of being married, that is between you and the Lord.
Here is a good place to interject and share with you why this is important. I have entitled this discussion "Preparing for Marriage includes God, it does not exclude Him." I know for myself, that when we include the Lord in our plans He helps us make the right choices, and the best choices. Everything you do in preparation to getting married which includes dating, should include the Lord. If you are interested on going on a date, talk with the Lord. Let Him know what your plan is and who you will be interacting with on this date. Ask Him to help you, be with you, and guide you. Ask Him to help you notice qualities in this person that you are on a date with that you will notice as things you are attracted to. The Lord will impress you and inspire you, He will also protect you. When God is included in your preparation you will feel closer to Him. You will learn to listen to His voice and heed His counsel.
We will get to this in a few sentences but this goes hand in hand when I mentioned being exclusive with someone. President Hinckley said this and I am paraphrasing, "You should not be exclusive with anyone until (or unless) you are at a point in your life where you are ready to pursue marriage." This is essential when it comes to involving God in you preparation. He knows best. He knows you. We cannot counsel the Lord. We cannot make Him do what we want Him to do, we need to listen and follow His command, for He knows us best. I understand this is controversial for some, but we need to remember that He knows who we are, and through Him we can make the right decisions.
With me when I began to date and to court my wife, I was at a point in my life where I was ready to be exclusive. I knew for myself in my conversations with the Lord and where I was in life, that this was the path I needed to be on. You may not understand what I mean, and we will probably discuss this in another lesson. But I just want you to know, you will know when you are ready to be exclusive with someone, and you will know that when you include God in your preparation for marriage.
After this dating period however long that may be you will find yourself beginning to be interested in just one person. I call this transition becoming steady with this individual. Some refer to it as steady dating. Becoming Exclusive and being steady can sometimes be interrelated, but the key difference is that exclusivity is in my opinion the transition into courtship.
Courtship: Now young men, and young women, when you enter into an official relationship and become "boyfriend and girlfriend" you will find that this is a time where your relationship is on trial, that is where it connects with Court. Your relationship is in a sense testing the waters to see if it will head to marriage or not. Please do not be discouraged in this stage. I understand that some relationships do not head in the direction of marriage, and that is alright. Somewhere in this stage you become exclusive. Here you should continue going out on dates. Dating in this stage is considered where you continue to participate in activities with one another. This is because it is still a stage where you are getting to know each other. It is also encouraged to go on double dates with your friends still. This stage is an excellent and adventurous time. It isn't easy, but it is a stage where you begin to learn and grow together. This is a discussion for a different time, but this is where you learn about and begin strengthening the Four Pillars. The Four Pillars are, The Spiritual, The Intellectual, The Emotional and the Physical. Now we don't have time to discuss these especially the last pillar, for some clarity. But in a nutshell these are pillars that help you get to know a person in those spheres. Some examples include how this person connects to the Gospel, how they work, how they communicate, and if they take care of themselves. This is an important stage where the Lord should be involved. The Lord wants to know how you are doing with this person you are courting. Young women He wants to know how you feel about this young man, how he treats you, and if he is magnifying his priesthood. Young men he wants to know how you feel about this young woman, and how you are treating her, and if she is helping you as well. Of course these are just examples.
Engagement: This is where a young man and a young woman make the commitment to enter the marriage covenant, but this does not mean they are getting married, they have just committed to each other that they want to be. This is also a very important stage which the Lord is highly involved because He is the one gives the green light. Young men, wait until you are engaged to set up the appointment to be Sealed in the Temple, this step should not be done, during courtship, even though the conversations about being married to each other has occurred and that is the official direction you and her are going towards. As one of my mission presidents explained, "Getting engaged should not be a surprise to you and her, how you propose should be the surprise." More to discuss on that.
Then of course and the most important of all steps of commitment is getting married and heading into marriage, which is the beginning.
My young friends I hope I have not bored you or have caused this to go longer than it needed to be.
As I said earlier, this is a summary of my beliefs, and not the complete picture but there is more to what I would want to share.
I hope this helps you head in the right direction, and I hope that when we talk about the Four Pillars, more understanding will come in preparing for marriage, and strengthening your marriage.
Some basic terms to look at. When I was in High-School the term dating had a new meaning. People concluded that it meant that two people, were now together, in an official or unofficial relationship. Now I can understand to a slight degree why this term could be used in that way, but I have learned that this isn't what it means. Dating means that you go participate in a wide variety of activities with a wide variety of people. In English: There is no such thing in the true definition of dating that deals with exclusivity. (We'll come back to that in a moment.)
But before that I want to be very clear about something. Today Marriage, the word or title is looked at as the end of a book. Marriage is not the end of anything, it is actually the beginning. Yes there are precursors to getting Married, but being married isn't the end of the fairy tale, or the end goal. To put it into perspective, this is the map with some detail of following the path into marriage.
Dating: A wide variety of activities with a wide variety of people.
Courtship: When two people make a decision to get to know one another which leads to being exclusive.
Engagement: When two people have decided to a commitment of getting Married.
And of course this ladder ends with getting Married. But marriage is not the end or the "happily ever after." Marriage is the beginning, and where you build your happily ever after for Eternity. Marriage is between a man and a woman who make sacred covenants and are married For Time and For All Eternity. (More on what marriage is will be talked about latter in a different discussion.)
This is the way which it has been presented to me, I do not disagree with it. I do want to say however that I am astonished that people try to think of this as a slide where they are trying to skip steps, or skip straight to marriage. My Friends, we do not skip steps just so we can get married.
If I may, I would like to show you how I see this map, and a few things about being exclusive.
Dating: This step in my mind does not change. It is a perfect opportunity to meet new people, and participate in activities with those whom you meet and learn about yourself, and learn about what you are attracted to in others. Now I will not tell you how many people you need to date in order to begin pursuing a relationship in the direction of being married, that is between you and the Lord.
Here is a good place to interject and share with you why this is important. I have entitled this discussion "Preparing for Marriage includes God, it does not exclude Him." I know for myself, that when we include the Lord in our plans He helps us make the right choices, and the best choices. Everything you do in preparation to getting married which includes dating, should include the Lord. If you are interested on going on a date, talk with the Lord. Let Him know what your plan is and who you will be interacting with on this date. Ask Him to help you, be with you, and guide you. Ask Him to help you notice qualities in this person that you are on a date with that you will notice as things you are attracted to. The Lord will impress you and inspire you, He will also protect you. When God is included in your preparation you will feel closer to Him. You will learn to listen to His voice and heed His counsel.
We will get to this in a few sentences but this goes hand in hand when I mentioned being exclusive with someone. President Hinckley said this and I am paraphrasing, "You should not be exclusive with anyone until (or unless) you are at a point in your life where you are ready to pursue marriage." This is essential when it comes to involving God in you preparation. He knows best. He knows you. We cannot counsel the Lord. We cannot make Him do what we want Him to do, we need to listen and follow His command, for He knows us best. I understand this is controversial for some, but we need to remember that He knows who we are, and through Him we can make the right decisions.
With me when I began to date and to court my wife, I was at a point in my life where I was ready to be exclusive. I knew for myself in my conversations with the Lord and where I was in life, that this was the path I needed to be on. You may not understand what I mean, and we will probably discuss this in another lesson. But I just want you to know, you will know when you are ready to be exclusive with someone, and you will know that when you include God in your preparation for marriage.
After this dating period however long that may be you will find yourself beginning to be interested in just one person. I call this transition becoming steady with this individual. Some refer to it as steady dating. Becoming Exclusive and being steady can sometimes be interrelated, but the key difference is that exclusivity is in my opinion the transition into courtship.
Courtship: Now young men, and young women, when you enter into an official relationship and become "boyfriend and girlfriend" you will find that this is a time where your relationship is on trial, that is where it connects with Court. Your relationship is in a sense testing the waters to see if it will head to marriage or not. Please do not be discouraged in this stage. I understand that some relationships do not head in the direction of marriage, and that is alright. Somewhere in this stage you become exclusive. Here you should continue going out on dates. Dating in this stage is considered where you continue to participate in activities with one another. This is because it is still a stage where you are getting to know each other. It is also encouraged to go on double dates with your friends still. This stage is an excellent and adventurous time. It isn't easy, but it is a stage where you begin to learn and grow together. This is a discussion for a different time, but this is where you learn about and begin strengthening the Four Pillars. The Four Pillars are, The Spiritual, The Intellectual, The Emotional and the Physical. Now we don't have time to discuss these especially the last pillar, for some clarity. But in a nutshell these are pillars that help you get to know a person in those spheres. Some examples include how this person connects to the Gospel, how they work, how they communicate, and if they take care of themselves. This is an important stage where the Lord should be involved. The Lord wants to know how you are doing with this person you are courting. Young women He wants to know how you feel about this young man, how he treats you, and if he is magnifying his priesthood. Young men he wants to know how you feel about this young woman, and how you are treating her, and if she is helping you as well. Of course these are just examples.
Engagement: This is where a young man and a young woman make the commitment to enter the marriage covenant, but this does not mean they are getting married, they have just committed to each other that they want to be. This is also a very important stage which the Lord is highly involved because He is the one gives the green light. Young men, wait until you are engaged to set up the appointment to be Sealed in the Temple, this step should not be done, during courtship, even though the conversations about being married to each other has occurred and that is the official direction you and her are going towards. As one of my mission presidents explained, "Getting engaged should not be a surprise to you and her, how you propose should be the surprise." More to discuss on that.
Then of course and the most important of all steps of commitment is getting married and heading into marriage, which is the beginning.
My young friends I hope I have not bored you or have caused this to go longer than it needed to be.
As I said earlier, this is a summary of my beliefs, and not the complete picture but there is more to what I would want to share.
I hope this helps you head in the right direction, and I hope that when we talk about the Four Pillars, more understanding will come in preparing for marriage, and strengthening your marriage.
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