Preparing for Marriage includes God, it does not exclude Him

My Friends, I will admit that this is the subject that has been the hardest to write to you. Not because of the content, but because of the tumults of opinions that come from talking about Preparing for Marriage. Everyone will have their own opinions, and I want you to be aware of that. I will also admit and acknowledge that there are some opinions that are more precise and accurate when it comes to preparing for marriage. I will encourage you that if you are in that position where you are not ready to admit that there are some opinions that are more precise and accurate, I would invite you to put yourselves in a place where you can do that. Now I am not saying that those opinions should out weigh what you feel, but I am saying that you take the good from those opinions and apply them to your own. Of course always follow what God says, and know that it is from God. That being said, you will come to know in a summary, my opinion on this sacred matter. Preparing for an Eternal Marriage and Building and Eternal Marriage are two very important and passionate subjects of mine, and as I have said people have their own way of looking about this, I will share with you in summary what is my way of looking at this.

Some basic terms to look at. When I was in High-School the term dating had a new meaning. People concluded that it meant that two people, were now together, in an official or unofficial relationship. Now I can understand to a slight degree why this term could be used in that way, but I have learned that this isn't what it means. Dating means that you go participate in a wide variety of activities with a wide variety of people. In English: There is no such thing in the true definition of dating that deals with exclusivity. (We'll come back to that in a moment.)

 But before that I want to be very clear about something. Today Marriage, the word or title is looked at as the end of a book. Marriage is not the end of anything, it is actually the beginning. Yes there are precursors to getting Married, but being married isn't the end of the fairy tale, or the end goal. To put it into perspective, this is the map with some detail of following the path into marriage. 

Dating: A wide variety of activities with a wide variety of people.

Courtship: When two people make a decision to get to know one another which leads to being exclusive.

Engagement: When two people have decided to a commitment of getting Married.

And of course this ladder ends with getting Married. But marriage is not the end or the "happily ever after." Marriage is the beginning, and where you build your happily ever after for Eternity. Marriage is between a man and a woman who make sacred covenants and are married For Time and For All Eternity. (More on what marriage is will be talked about latter in a different discussion.)

This is the way which it has been presented to me, I do not disagree with it. I do want to say however that I am astonished that people try to think of this as a slide where they are trying to skip steps, or skip straight to marriage. My Friends, we do not skip steps just so we can get married.

If I may, I would like to show you how I see this map, and a few things about being exclusive.

Dating: This step in my mind does not change. It is a perfect opportunity to meet new people, and participate in activities with those whom you meet and learn about yourself, and learn about what you are attracted to in others. Now I will not tell you how many people you need to date in order to begin pursuing a relationship in the direction of being married, that is between you and the Lord.

Here is a good place to interject and share with you why this is important. I have entitled this discussion "Preparing for Marriage includes God, it does not exclude Him." I know for myself, that when we include the Lord in our plans He helps us make the right choices, and the best choices. Everything you do in preparation to getting married which includes dating, should include the Lord. If you are interested on going on a date, talk with the Lord. Let Him know what your plan is and who you will be interacting with on this date. Ask Him to help you, be with you, and guide you. Ask Him to help you notice qualities in this person that you are on a date with that you will notice as things you are attracted to. The Lord will impress you and inspire you, He will also protect you. When God is included in your preparation you will feel closer to Him. You will learn to listen to His voice and heed His counsel.

We will get to this in a few sentences but this goes hand in hand when I mentioned being exclusive with someone. President Hinckley said this and I am paraphrasing, "You should not be exclusive with anyone until (or unless) you are at a point in your life where you are ready to pursue marriage." This is essential when it comes to involving God in you preparation. He knows best. He knows you. We cannot counsel the Lord. We cannot make Him do what we want Him to do, we need to listen and follow His command, for He knows us best. I understand this is controversial for some, but we need to remember that He knows who we are, and through Him we can make the right decisions.

With me when I began to date and to court my wife, I was at a point in my life where I was ready to be exclusive. I knew for myself in my conversations with the Lord and where I was in life, that this was the path I needed to be on. You may not understand what I mean, and we will probably discuss this in another lesson. But I just want you to know, you will know when you are ready to be exclusive with someone, and you will know that when you include God in your preparation for marriage.

After this dating period however long that may be you will find yourself beginning to be interested in just one person. I call this transition becoming steady with this individual. Some refer to it as steady dating. Becoming Exclusive and being steady can sometimes be interrelated, but the key difference is that exclusivity is in my opinion the transition into courtship.

Courtship: Now young men, and young women, when you enter into an official relationship and become "boyfriend and girlfriend" you will find that this is a time where your relationship is on trial, that is where it connects with Court. Your relationship is in a sense testing the waters to see if it will head to marriage or not. Please do not be discouraged in this stage. I understand that some relationships do not head in the direction of marriage, and that is alright. Somewhere in this stage you become exclusive. Here you should continue going out on dates. Dating in this stage is considered where you continue to participate in activities with one another. This is because it is still a stage where you are getting to know each other. It is also encouraged to go on double dates with your friends still. This stage is an excellent and adventurous time. It isn't easy, but it is a stage where you begin to learn and grow together. This is a discussion for a different time, but this is where you learn about and begin strengthening the Four Pillars. The Four Pillars are, The Spiritual, The Intellectual, The Emotional and the Physical. Now we don't have time to discuss these especially the last pillar, for some clarity. But in a nutshell these are pillars that help you get to know a person in those spheres. Some examples include how this person connects to the Gospel, how they work, how they communicate, and if they take care of themselves. This is an important stage where the Lord should be involved. The Lord wants to know how you are doing with this person you are courting. Young women He wants to know how you feel about this young man, how he treats you, and if he is magnifying his priesthood. Young men he wants to know how you feel about this young woman, and how you are treating her, and if she is helping you as well. Of course these are just examples.

Engagement: This is where a young man and a young woman make the commitment to enter the marriage covenant, but this does not mean they are getting married, they have just committed to each other that they want to be. This is also a very important stage which the Lord is highly involved because He is the one gives the green light. Young men, wait until you are engaged to set up the appointment to be Sealed in the Temple, this step should not be done, during courtship, even though the conversations about being married to each other has occurred and that is the official direction you and her are going towards. As one of my mission presidents explained, "Getting engaged should not be a surprise to you and her, how you propose should be the surprise." More to discuss on that.

Then of course and the most important of all steps of commitment is getting married and heading into marriage, which is the beginning.

My young friends I hope I have not bored you or have caused this to go longer than it needed to be.

As I said earlier, this is a summary of my beliefs, and not the complete picture but there is more to what I would want to share.

I hope this helps you head in the right direction, and I hope that when we talk about the Four Pillars, more understanding will come in preparing for marriage, and strengthening your marriage.